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Как отвечать на грубые слова друзей

Как отвечать на грубые слова друзей

What do you do when a friend has said something so shocking or offensive you aren’t quite sure how to respond? While offensive comments should not be ignored you must use finesse and assess the overall situation to determine what to say and when to say something.


  1. 1 Quickly divert the discussion to another topic while considering who delivered the comment. Whether it’s one on one or in a group, divert the conversation in another direction until you can ascertain why your friend delivered the offensive comment. Instead of immediately pointing the finger to call your friend a racist, sexist or any other name appropriate to the comment, take several factors into consideration.
    • How close are you to this friend? Is this coming from someone you know very well or a recent acquaintance? Could the comment have come from a friend of a friend? Depending on your level of friendship, consider whether it’s worth it to say something immediately, directly to the person or pull your friend aside and mention the comment his/her friend just made. If you are close friends, it’s always worth it to address the remark as soon as possible. If it's a friend of a friend, you may want to discuss what happened with your friend either at a later date or in private. An acquaintance is another circumstance where you should bring the comment to light but do so in a casual, non threatening manner.
    • What are the surrounding circumstances? Are you out having drinks and could the other person have had too much to drink (thus altering his/her personality) or could your friend be thrust into a stressful situation, which may sometimes push people to say and do things they wouldn’t otherwise?
    • Who is present? Could the comment have impacted children in the group or perhaps your boss? Certain circumstances where the comment is made around impressionable children or could put a dent in your career should be dealt with immediately. Pull the friend aside and remind him/her about the situation and the surroundings. Remind your friend that the comment could have a serious negative impact and that damage control may be necessary. If the remark was made during a private lunch or dinner or around other peers in a social environment you may have more time to decide exactly what kind of reaction is most appropriate.
  2. 2 Consider that your friend may be trying to fit in. Sometimes people get nervous and misread a situation, thinking that the comment would be funny or interesting in the group.
    • May think his/her comment is funny. If your friend thinks he/she is being funny by dropping a few "f” bombs in your mom’s group, try to get his/her attention and shake your head while mouthing, "no.” The group may be laughing, but thinking that your friend is rude or inappropriate.
    • Panicked and in an effort to make small talk and said something offensive instead. Sometimes people may not be well versed in the world of small talk and refer to topical issues surrounding politics or religion (for example) or other touchy off limits topics. Unless the person is backing the new Democratic nominee at the Democratic club, he/she should understand that certain topics may be considered to be offensive.
  3. 3 Take into consideration the person’s age and background. Not that it excuses someone for being offensive, trying to figure out where the person is coming from may help to determine whether the comment stemmed from ignorance or hatred.
    • Immature individuals or children may comment on an issue without having proper education or knowledge, which may end up sounding offensive.
    • People raised within certain environments may not actually realize a comment may be offensive. For example, a boy or man raised without a strong female presence may think that speaking down to women is absolutely normal but is obviously being offensive to the women (and most likely the men) in the group.
  4. 4 Address the remark in a calm, logical manner. You don’t have to blow up and start a fight, however the person who delivered the remark must understand that his/her words have consequences. Once you have evaluated where the comment is coming from and the context in which it was delivered, determine when and where to address the comment.
    • Discuss the offensive remark as soon as possible. Don’t let days or weeks pass before you talk to your friend--he/she may not even remember delivering it. Telling your friend how you felt and the impact the comment may have made on others not only lets you say your peace, but could help your friend in future circumstances.
    • Find a private setting to talk one on one with the other person. If you are in a group, ask your friend if you could hit the restroom together or if he/she wants to go the snack stand or bar for a drink. Take the one on one opportunity to say, "The comment you made about _____ could be quite damaging.” Then explain why the comment was damaging and make it clear that you are uncomfortable with that kind of language or words.
    • Reassure your friend you still like him/her. No one wants to be told they were wrong or did something bad, so be sure you back up your delivery with how you feel about the friend. Let him/her know you are still buddies and that you understand he/she didn’t make the comment to mean or hurtful.


  • Re-evaluate the friendship if your friend continuously says that offensive remark continuously it may not be a friend worth keeping.


  • Take any comment surrounding violence to a certain group or individual seriously and have a discussion surround the remark. Remind the friend that violence or talking about hurting someone based on their religion, sexual orientation or race is a felony.

Edit- there are a lot of other protected groups, for example disabled people. Remember that while those three are the big ones, there are a lot more groups, too.

Edit- Also remind them that hurting or threatening violence in any circumstances is not okay. And that it is not just limited to not being ok reasons of prejudice.

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